Pink Slips: Will You Fail This Quiz?

Okay, kids, here’s a quick quiz for you:

• I am a woman who has used birth control, or who has had sex with someone who used birth control: True ____ False ____

• I am a man who has used birth control, or who has had sex with someone who used birth control:  True ____ False ____

(All you “Rhythm Method” wankers out there can’t call it birth control – it’s a shot of voodoo biology shaken in a glass of wishful thinking with a twist of Jesuitical sophistry.) 

Okay, ladies, because we have to do things twice as well to get half the credit men do (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), Quiz Part II is for you only – read carefully, now:

• I am a woman who has used birth control to prevent pregnancy from having sex with a man: True ____ False ____

• I am a woman who has used birth control to prevent pregnancy from having sex with a woman: True ____ False ____

Hmmmm. I’ll bet that about 100% of you who answered question #1 “True” also answered question #3 “True,” and that about 0% of any sentient humans would ever answer “True” to #4.

So, men, where are your voices in the current birth control debate? (Yes, we already know what the farcical sausagefest known as the Congressional Hearing on Contraceptives had to say, but they don’t count as sentient humans.) I’d like to hear more “normal” men speak up, but they’re strangely silent.
   
Guys, if you have ever had sex with a female for fun (but not for creating Santorum) and used birth control, you benefited from contraception – no matter which of you used it. Given that we know the low efficacy rates of prayer as birth control (reference note 1 above), you may have been using a condom, or more statistically likely, she was on the Pill, the sponge, the diaphragm, the implant, the IUD, or any of the myriad other ways for contraception to fuck with a woman’s biochemistry so her man doesn’t have to “lose feeling” and they don’t have an unwanted pregnancy.

In its report “Use of Contraception in the United States 1982-2008,” the Centers for Disease Control data show that 99% of women – that’s 100% minus a few liars – have used some form of birth control. (Don’t ask me why the government institution that tracks national birth control stats is the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Also, don’t ask me why a 54-page government report on birth control included not one statistic on male use of contraception or I’ll punch you in the face with more statistics.)

Men use contraception every time they have sex with a woman who uses it.

So, why are so many of you straight men so silent in the face of the current heated debate about the health, choices and self-determination of the women you love? Ladies, do you let your men stay complacent or uninvolved when it comes to birth control?

Okay, gentlemen, this last quiz is for you – pick either A or B:

A. I recognize that if I or my partner uses birth control, I should participate in the current debate about it – who uses it, who benefits from it, and who controls access to it – in a way that reflects my own values and the reality of how I benefit from birth control, or risk losing the freedom for either of us to make decisions about it.

B.  I am a dick.